February is known as the love month. It is the time when we believe in romance. Where we take more time to think of our loved ones and give them our attention and our time. We think more about our connection to each other and the person next to us.
I have a friend. She is someone that I have only known for a year and yet it feels like I have known her a lifetime. She has become not only a friend but a sister to me. Someone I can rely on and someone I hope that I serve.
When I first met her, I thought that we would never have this. I thought that she was too shy, that she and I had nothing in common and that I would have to trudge through the year till I got another roommate. We had no idea if we would get along.
Our friendship didn’t grow in an instant. We first started to have conversations. Not very deep ones, just an occasional, “how was your day?” or “What’s new in your life”. It was nothing big. I would sit on the couch, binge-watching YouTube while she was sitting at the table working on homework.
There is a theory I am obsessed with. It is called the Social Penetration Theory. The theory is, “the process of developing deeper intimacy with another person through mutual self-disclosure and other forms of vulnerability (Griffin, Ledbetter, Sparks, pg. 94).”
It is just like Shrek. There is a scene where he talks about how ogres have layers just like an onion. Just like ogres have layers, so do people.
When we first get to know someone, we only see their outer layers. It is biographical data. This is their name, marital status, and other facts about a person. From there we learn their preferences (what they like/dislike), then their goals and aspirations, to their religious convictions, all the way to their own concept of themselves.
We learn layer by layer until we come to understand who they are and how they see themselves. We also learn why they do the things they do and sometimes we can appreciate them more when we understand why they act a certain way.
I remember when my roommate Jessica and I started learning about those things. It was late one night and I was tired and vulnerable. I explained to her what happened when my teacher bullied me and other instances of my life. I opened up my layers and she opened hers.
From then on we started to have a better relationship. It took more time to truly understand each other. When we did our bond that became sibling-like.
We don’t always understand who is next to us. Yes, we know our family and our friends, but what about the strangers next to us, the people next to us?
Each of us seeks a connection. A connection that makes us learn and grow but also lets us feel empathy and compassion. I didn’t know when I first met Jessica the impact she would have on me. I didn’t know the impact I would have on her. And while I can’t believe that I almost didn’t give her a chance for her to show who she is to me, I know that I have been changed because I did give her a chance.
For this week, I want to give you a challenge. It might get you out of your comfort zone, but I want you to get to know the person next to you.
Talk to a stranger, find their story, learn who they are. You never know who you are going to meet or who is going to impact your life. All you have to do is say “hi”. From there you can peel back someone’s layers and learn more about the person next to us.
