I remember the first time I lost a friend. She lived right down the street from me and even though she was weird, I remember her well.
Her hair looked like mine. In the sun, it shined a bit blonde but the red can still be seen even on the brightest of days. Her teeth were a bit cooked like her personality, but she had the best imagination possible.
We would make so many worlds in our heads. The sad part is that I don’t remember these stories, I just remember her. I remember her brother showing me what had been done with his teeth, I remember her basement where she had many different costumes and props.
The one thing I don’t remember is when she told me she was moving to Australia. I know that there were broken promises of contact. I know that I don’t even remember her name anymore. She is just a memory now.
That was the only friendship that I lost that didn’t hurt. I might have felt more hurt if there wasn’t the promise we made to contact each other and keep the friendship going. As time passed, I had just forgotten and moved on with my life.
When I have moved on from different parts of my life it has become harder and harder to accept change. I would much rather dream of the future than accept it.
And then I go and make my New Year’s resolution. A time when I decided what changes I want to make in my life.
It’s interesting how most people fail with their resolutions before the year has started. It has gotten to the point where people have made jokes about failing. No one expects resolutions to actually work.
There have been many people who have tried to help others help to make better goals and it all comes down to commitment.
Ask any of my family members and they will tell you that if I really don’t want to do something then I won’t do it. If it has to do with school, I will procrastinate until the very last minutes and then try to gain motivation to finish it on time. All because I didn’t want to do it.
Forcing commitment is hard if you don’t know why you are doing it in the first place. One year I made a resolution that I would run a 5K. I told myself that I was doing it because I wanted to see if I could. It was torturous.
I didn’t plan on how I was going to do it, stopped multiple times when I had to complete it at the last minute, and complained the whole time.
After I completed it nothing happened. I didn’t feel accomplished. I didn’t feel happy that I completed it no matter how terrible I did. I had just done it without wanting to actually accomplish it. I wasn’t committed to doing it.
What do you want to be this year? What do you want to accomplish? Why are you accomplishing it? These are all questions that we should be asking ourselves when making goals.
I have asked myself what I want to be this year. I have thought about it many times, and I don’t want to just make random goals like exercising or not procrastinating.
In 2019, I want to be the best person I can be. I don’t want to get mad at the person who cuts me off in traffic or doesn’t do their own part in work. I don’t want to hold a grudge against family or friends that may not do things that I might wish them to.
I want to be a kind person. One that forgives rather then hates, that gives instead of gets, and one that works hard instead of relaxing when they haven’t worked.
I want to be that person. I just hope that I am not dreaming of this change rather than being committed to the actual change I want to make.
Like my writing journal says on its front cover, “Some people dream of success while others wake up and work hard at it.”
I’ll change this year for the better because I want to be better and I am going to work hard to make sure this happens.
It’s because I don’t want to dream of change anymore, I want to make it happen.
